Let's Heal Together!

There's a particular kind of grief that comes with this kind of seeing, and I want to name it carefully because it tends to arrive without warning and without a clear object, which makes it confusing and easy to dismiss before it has done what it came to do. It's not the grief of losing something outside of you. It's the grief of recognizing something about yourself, about your history, about the shape of your relational life, that cannot be unseen once it has been seen.

That belief did not appear out of nowhere. It was not dramatic or irrational when it formed. It was the conclusion your nervous system drew in a season of your life when that was actually true — when someone's disappointment in you did mean something important was withdrawn. When the emotional temperature of a room could change everything. When keeping someone comfortable was less about love and more about what you needed to feel safe.

There is a specific kind of tired that a good night's sleep cannot touch. You know the kind I mean. You wake up after eight hours and you still feel heavy. The weekend comes, you finally rest, and by Monday morning you're already depleted again before the week has even started. You've tried the vitamins. You've cut back on caffeine. You've told yourself you just need a vacation, a slower season, one less commitment. But the tired follows you there too.